Happy Thursday, everyone. It’s official, this is now the best late night show in America, because it’s the only late night show in America. I’ll take it. I don’t care. So today, senior intel officials testified on Capitol Hill on worldwide threats, among the topics, China, Russia, Iran, artificial intelligence, and also Geraldo removing his shirt in front of children. Yeah, AI is now in the same discussion as some of our biggest, most dangerous adversaries. So you think we’d put someone serious in charge of it, right? Someone with gravitas and a piercing intellect, someone who can assure America that everything’s under control. So who’d we pick?

VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS, OCTOBER 25, 2020: What do you want to know?

Yeah, it makes sense. Every time I hear the words artificial intelligence. I think of her. But it’s true. Kamala has been tapped as the administration’s point person on AI. Apparently, to see if artificial intelligence is no match for her natural stupidity. Oh, and by the way, how is she going to help? By sleeping with R2-D2.

ANNOUNCER: A sexist would say!

Terrible, but hey, maybe it’s a genius move to have our most inane human face off with AI. Five minutes with Kam would make a Roomba pull its own plug. Today, she met with CEOs from major companies developing AI, including Google, Microsoft and Anthropic. Which raises the question, what the hell is Anthropic? A subdivision of Hawaiianthropic?

JIMMY FAILLA: That’s funny.

It is funny. So shut up. According to the White House, the meeting was meant to, “underscore this responsibility and emphasize the importance of driving responsible, trustworthy and ethical innovation with safeguards that mitigate risks and potential harms to individuals and our society.” Hell, I need an AI to translate that —- into English. So it’s about short and long term dangers of this technology, meaning will they kill us tomorrow or in ten years. And many Dems and Republicans agree it’s good that we finally, you know, got around to talking about it, but are we really putting our best foot forward when we send this?


KAMALA HARRIS, APRIL 25, 2023: I think it’s very important… For us at every moment in time, and certainly this one, to seize the moment in time in which we exist and are present.

KAMALA HARRIS, MARCH 22, 2023: So during Women’s History Month, we celebrate, and we honor the women who made history throughout history.

KAMALA HARRIS, MARCH 21, 2022: The significance of the passage of time, right? The significance of the passage of time. So when you think about it, there is great significance to the passage of time.

KAMALA HARRIS, JANUARY 13, 2022: It is time for us to do what we have been doing and that time as every day.

They call that a word salad, because every time she speaks, I’m waiting for garlic croutons to fall out of her mouth. I mean, can you imagine how that AI meeting went? All those industry heads would be unplugging their laptops and using the cords to hang themselves. Of course, putting Kam on the AI team is all about her gaining new visibility for the next election, which is like squeegeeing your windshield before driving off a cliff. I mean, we’re talking about Kamala, the human Atari 2600, sitting down with people who’ve developed complex AI technology. They know what powers the machines, and the only thing she’s ever turned on was Willie Brown.

ANNOUNCER: Wow, yet another sexist would say.

Disgusting. Look, none of these politicians know jack about technology. They embarrassed themselves at those hearings about social media, but this is pure just giving up. You think that creature that says this even bothers to read up on anything?


KAMALA HARRIS, JANUARY 12, 2023: I think of this moment as a moment that is about great momentum. Inspired by, yes, optimism, inspired by a crisis, no doubt, but inspired by also our collective ability to see what can be unburdened by what has been.

Quick. Someone get her a glass of Thousand Island. But her ramblings aren’t a sign of stupidity. It’s a sign of arrogance that she feels exempt from preparation or substance. She’ll just wing it on our biggest challenge. The problem is you’ve got to have talent to wing it, you now, or maybe bongos.


Never gets old. Now, the White House also said they’re going to spend $140 million to create seven new AI research institutes. Well, here’s a suggestion, please don’t put any in Wuhan and keep them away from this jackass. And the White House Budget Office, which is as useful as a tourism board in Syria, is expected to issue guidance on how federal agencies can use AI tools, meaning they’ll be taught to audit taxpayers and perform abortions. Which brings us back to those other worldwide threats. I mean, what do you think the other world powers are going to do with AI? You know, if China is working on a military angle, here’s what they’re planning.


So what will America get with Kamala in charge?


So yeah, if you weren’t sure we were screwed before. Oh, we’re screwed. But there’s one silver lining. Maybe if AI gains the upper hand, it can replace Kamala and would we even know the difference?


Better than the real thing!

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